Fifty-five years ago (come this Saturday) I made my appearance in this world. My mother was just a couple of weeks shy of her 30th birthday. A little quick math and that means my Mom will be 85 years old in a few weeks. Suddenly, 55 doesn't seem too bad.
For those keeping track, you'll remember that my Dad passed away in June of this year. He was 84 years old. He and Mom had been married 64 years. Mom went to live with my older brother in Evansville, IN. Over the past few months I've kept in touch with Mom via the occasional phone call and even less occasional snail mail (she doesn't do computers). My brother has kept me up to date on Mom's condition, and by condition I'm refering primarily to her mental state.
For some time (several years) it has been apparent that Mom's short-term memory was failing and she seems to get confused easily. Is it the early stages of alzheimer's, or basic dementia related to old age? Who knows? As an example, she swears that her bedroom at my brother's house is on a different level from the rest of the house, but instead of stairs there's like a ramp that goes to her bedroom. In reality, my brother's house is all one level, no stairs, no ramps.
Why do I mention all of this? Because Mom is now at my house and I'm about to learn first-hand what my brother has been talking about. Back before Thanksgiving we talked to Mom about coming to visit us over the Christmas holiday... figuring a couple of weeks. The next thing you know, Mom's talking about staying longer... just didn't make sense to travel all that way and just stay 2 weeks. Well, ok, I have no problem with that. Sure enough, she packed 3 suitcases and an overnight bag, along with assorted purses, shoes, coats. All evidence suggests that she's here to stay a good while. Again, I have no problem with that. The reason I was thinking just a couple of weeks is because my brother and his extended family will be celebrating Christmas on January 8th (long story) and I assumed Mom would want to be there for that occasion... apparently, not. I have a theory as to why Mom is planning an extended stay and why she doesn't care about missing my brother's family get-together, but that's better left off the public internet.
Here comes the 'Circle of Life' part. For the first 18 - 20 years of my life, my parents took care of me, making sure I had everything I needed and had every opportunity to grow into adulthood. Having been the child and having been the parent of my own children, I know what that's all about. Now it's my turn to reciprocate. In a way it's sort of cool having Mom around, but in other ways it's sort of weird. She's a little more "child-like" than I had anticipated. Sure, I've listened as my brother explained what it was like living with Mom again, but clearly it's one of those cases where you don't really understand until you've done it yourself.
Thank God she is still physically capable of dressing, bathing, and feeding herself. The difficulty comes in remembering things... like where's the bathroom. After two days she still opens every door until she finds one that looks like a bathroom or her bedroom. Hopefully, this is a short term situation until she's lived here long enough to figure out where everything is located. On the other hand, this may be as good as it gets. As strange as this may seem, I can live with that.
Where I have questions and doubts is when does my help cease being help and cross the imaginary line to be an insult. Here's an example: She gets confused going from her bedroom to the bathroom... six feet from door to door. Just down the hall is the top of the stairs... many steep, narrow steps. My biggest fear is that she will get up in the middle of the night, get confused, wander down the hall, make a wrong turn and tumble down the stairs. To prevent that from happening we put a baby gate across the hallway at night. Seems like a logical thing to do, but when does it stop being a safety precaution and become an insult to her intelligence?
At what point, if ever, does the parent accept that the roles are reversed and is not insulted by playing the role of the child?
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